Beyond "What to Expect... "

Everyone has heard of "What to Expect when you're Expecting" It is THE pregnancy book, at least in the USA.  However, what about the other 100 books on the "Parenting and Childcare" shelf of the Barnes and Noble? I've read a number of less well known books, mostly the ones geared toward "dad."

Fatherneed - This book is different from all the others. It's not so much a book on how to parenting as it is a sociology book about parenting, mostly (as the title suggests) fathering. It delves into the positive affects of a father in a young child's life along with the negative affects of one's absence. Later in the book it does give a brief overview of major steps for a young child. My wife bought this for me when we were in the very preliminary stages of trying to conceive, and it really helped put some of my anxiety at ease.  Highly recommended for any new father / father to be.

Be Prepared: A Practical Handbook for New Dads - I would place this one in the must have category for every dad. While not an all encompassing book about parenting / raising a child, this one is filled with random tidbits specifically for fathers - from staying awake at work at the office to rigging up a diaper with duct tape and a sock.  All of this is illustrated and pretty funny.  Really a great book.

Experimenting with Babies - This is what I imagine every psychologist dreams about when they have a kid.  This has 50 experiments you can do with your baby to show cognitive development and random evolutionary traits.  After the experiment, there is a discussion about the discovery of the experiment along with its implication.  Not a necessary book, but definitely a good one for scientific / nerdy parents.

Bringing Up Bébé - I'm in the middle of reading this book right now.  This one has changed a lot of perspectives on things.  Written by journalist Pamela Druckerman, Bébé is part story, part parenting advice, part education in French culture. After explaining the french approach to things, Druckerman then goes into the scientific reasoning of why it works.  Skeptical?  Consider this: most babies in France are sleeping through the night by 2 months, and Druckerman explains why.  That right there is worth the $14.95.

Eating nutritious is important - Becoming a Dad

This is the story of how I found out I was going to be a dad.

I was downstairs cooking some dinner, sauteing some onions. My wife was upstairs getting changed or doing whatever.  I had just added some peppers when I heard a scream from my wife, "James, get up here! There's a really big bug!"  I grab a glass to capture the little critter and dash up to the second story. (I don't like to kill if I can avoid it).

I get to the bedroom and I find my wife standing there with a little stick. This wasn't one of the one line means not pregnant, two means pregnant sort of tests where you need to look at the box. It was a dummy proof little screen that said "pregnant" or "not pregnant." And this one said the former.

I gave my wife a big hug, told her I loved her, and did what any reasonable man would do at this moment - went right back downstairs to cook. I was a dad now! I had to cook my wife and baby a tasty, nutritious meal! That was my mindset.

Some people say that women become parents on day one or at some point in the pregnancy, while for dads the parent switch doesn't click until some point after the baby is born.  For me it was right in that moment.  A simple 8 letter word on a stick made me a dad.

There are a number milestone moments during pregnancy that might cause the trigger. The first ultrasound, hearing your baby's heartbeat on the monitor, or finding out the gender. Whatever it might be, try not to freak out.

A Lesson on Spelling and Pronunciation.

Legally, (in the U.S.) you can name your kid anything you want. DO NOT NAME YOUR KID ANYTHING YOU WANT!
What you name your child will be with him or her for the rest of its life. A name is like a tattoo that you don't even get to choose yourself. This is not the time to be super creative. Be a little creative, but hold back a bit.

One place you don't need to be creative is the spelling. Taking a classic name and putting your own spin on it will not make your child stand out, nor will it do him any favors. Take alternative spellings of Brittany for example:
Bretteny, Brettney, Bridney, Britani, Britanny, Britianee, Britney, Brittainy, Brittney, Bryttany, Bryttnee.  And the list goes on. 

What is little Britianee going to do when she gets to kindergarten and starts to learn how to spell and read? By the time she reaches high school, she is going to hate having to explain that her name is
Brittany with an 'ian' and two 'e's.  You're naming a child, not trying to get rid of extra tiles at scrabble.

My wife, working with youth, has encountered a fair amount of unfortunate names. There was a girl named Anastasiaah, which was spelled that way because the mother thought it looked prettier..  The worst example of irresponsible naming was a young boy named Bat.  Why would someone name their child Bat? (You may have guessed) It was because his last name was Mann. Some parent named their child Bat Mann. He was planning on changing it on his 18th birthday.

Many other countries have naming laws.  Some have an extensive list of approved names and spellings, others say that the name cannot unduly harm the child. I do not anticipate any laws like that being introduced in the US. However, I hope parents would be more responsible.

Update: Since posting this, a number of people have posted comments about other names they've encountered. I looked into them:

Abcde - This is apparently a real thing. Pronounced "ab si day"

Shithead - Pronounced shih theed, I haven't since a good source on this one. However, it seems to be a common Arabic name that parents don't realize the other spelling.

Dads from Movies (And what you can learn from them)

Darth Vader (Star Wars) - While he conquered the galaxy, this guy was less involved in his kids' lives than the jerkoffs on "Maury." Even when he did see his children, it was mostly to interrogate or try to kill them.  Not great parenting skills, Anakin.

What you can learn from him: No matter what's happened, it's never to late to be a good dad.

Mr. Incredible (The Incredibles) - He gives up life as a super hero and spends his days at a desk job, selling insurance. Even then, he still tries to help out the little guy. He also fakes his own death, infiltrates a top secret villain lair, and then saves an entire city.

What to take away: Be true to yourself, let your family help you, and don't be afraid to cry.

Clark Griswold (National Lampoon's Vacation Series) - From taking his family on multiple vacations to having the best lit house in the neighborhood, Clark was always trying to make sure his family had a good life. And he was never afraid to open the house to the entire family, even distantly related aunts and uncles.

What to learn from Clark: Always keep a positive attitude, no matter the circumstance.

George Banks (The Father of the Bride) - This guy busted his ass to make sure his daughter got an awesome wedding.  They had flippin' swans, for Christ's sake! Plus he spent 20 years working in a shoe factory.  That had to have gotten old after the first few days.

What we can learn: Keep your cool, your kids are always watching.  

Liam Neeson (Taken)- I'm sure his character had an actual name.  Regardless, hunted down the men that kidnapped his daughter, killing anyone that got in his way.  If Atticus Finch had been a CIA agent instead of a lawyer, this would be the result. 

What to learn: Acquire a special set of skills early in life, don't be afraid to use them.

Il Duce (The Boondock Saints) - Not much is known about The Duke. He was in prison, but released when Italian mobsters wanted to hire him to kill a pair of Irishmen.  (Holy plot hole batman!) This plan backfires.

What to learn from The Duke: If you're going to abandon your family for a few years, make sure you have a secret word or phrase to recognize one another.

Taming the Nausea Beast

As mentioned, the first few weeks of pregnancy can be pretty grueling for your preggie partner.  One of the most infamous of symptoms is "morning" sickness.  Ignore the morning part.  It's a lie. I don't know if the powers-that-be decided that "all day, everyday" sickness didn't have as good of a ring to it or what, but the nausea is certainly not limited to the morning. There's a lot you can do to help with the nausea though. 

Avoid, avoid, avoid - Keeping your wife away from smells that make her nauseous can be extremely helpful.  This means almost any and all smells. Doing the grocery shopping and keeping the garbage can empty is an obvious measure. But also your cologne, deodorant, or even shaving cream can cause set off the nausea beast. Me eating a ham sandwich and then kissing my wife was even a bad idea.

Ginger - Lots of options here. Ginger tea, candied ginger, chocolate covered ginger, ginger gum, ginger ale, ginger mints. If you want to use fresh ginger in tea, the easiest thing to do is keep ginger root in the freezer use a grater when you need it. 

Peppermint - There's about as many options here as with ginger. 

Citrus - Smelling a lemon, squeezing it into some water, or just straight up sucking on one can relieve nausea.

Nauzene - This is an OTC medicine, found at most drug stores (it's hit or miss at grocery stores).  My wife has had way more success with the chewable tablets, but not with the liquid.

Vitamin B6 - Can be found in tablet form, but also "preggie pops" which are vitamin b6 loaded hard candies. 

Diclegis - This is a new prescription medicine for pregnant women suffering from nausea. There's even a little pregnant woman on each pill.  (Glad Viagra didn't have the same idea)  This is a time released Vitamin B6 and antihistamine.  This will make your spouse more tired, but help a lot with nausea.

In addition to all of these remedies listed, a little patience goes a long way here.  Having a wife that's constantly nauseous flat out sucks, no sugar coating it. Continue to be empathetic, and if you guys planned on having more kids after this one, this is not the time to remind her of this fact.

Thanks for reading!

Preggo the Hunn: The 1st Trimester

Alright, so we have conception! The little blue line, plus sign, or (in our case - extremely dummy proof) "pregnant" digital readout has shown up on the pee stick, and now you and your partner are officially in the pregnancy era of your life.

If you're like the average American male, most of your pregnancy knowledge up to this point has come entirely from romantic comedies.  The first trimester is usually handled by the doctor saying, "Kids, you're pregnant!" followed by a 15 minute montage of the baby momma throwing up or gagging. And then bam! 2nd trimester.

Please note that although every pregnancy is different, the 1st trimester will probably be the hardest, as your spouse's body is jolted with a metric ton of new hormones, while simultaneously building a biological Death Star for your little Darth Vader to hang out in for the next few months. (It's also important to note that, regardless of how much planning went into making this baby, every bad feeling your wife has will be 100% entirely your fault.  Always keep in mind that you're getting the easy job, and try to stay empathetic.)

Besides the nausea, your spouse will be sapped of a ton of energy, as the Death Star is being built and it requires a lot of energy. Be prepared to do a lot more of the chores around the house for the time being, especially ones dealing with food.  Pregnant women have a super human sense of smell, the vast majority of the smells causing nausea. Doing the grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning will help out with this tremendously. If this sounds like a lot, just remember that you are about to be taking care of an entire life - this is pretty much what you signed up for.

It's not all awful though, here are some best parts of the 1st Trimester:

Boobzilla - Breast growth is one of the first effects of all those hormones your wife is getting hit with.  Your spouse will be more voluptuous than ever. I know, it's awesome. But be gentle, they'll also be more sensitive.

The 2nd Sonogram - I say the 2nd one because our first sonogram happened at around 6 weeks, and my baby was a dot outside a ring.  It was the most beautiful dot outside a ring I've ever seen, don't get me wrong. But not a lot to look at. Two weeks later we could actually see the head, body, and limbs

Beautiful, but dull.  Like a supermodel. Or an antique knife set.

Hearing the Life's Dubstep - By 11 weeks or so, you'll be able to hear the heartbeat of your tadpole chugging along at about 160 bpm.  Bonus points if you dance to the beat.

Thanks for reading!

Drinking for Three!

Early in our pregnancy, my wife and I attended a few events and gatherings, most of which involved alcohol. Not wanting to tip off our peers, we disguised my wife's new found abstinence using a variety of means:

Boys Night Out - This one was helpful in our situation.  The idea here is that you, the hardworking husband, will be free to cut loose and drink as much as you want. Your partner will graciously be the designated driver.  This really only works once before suspicions are raised.

Shot then a Chaser - This tip we got from the family movie classic "Coyote Ugly" and is helpful when dealing with shots. The non drinker holds the shot in her mouth briefly, and spits it back into a different glass. Beer bottles work best because their dark color disguises the various colors of whatever everyone else is drinking.

Drinking for Three - This trick was used with great effectiveness the night of my brother's wedding.  While it will seem noticeable, always keep in mind that most people will actually be intoxicated.  Just keep drinking all of your wife's alcohol. I ended up drinking my wife's champagne, her dinner wine, and her after-party shots with no one being the wiser.

The Friendly Bartender - This ruse works best at events with open bars or somewhere you have a tab.  Just have a quick conversation with the bartender and explain that while you will be asking for cranberry vodka's all evening, you really just want a cranberry and soda. Another plus with this is that everyone will see your wife slamming back "cranberry vodkas" and won't mind you ducking early to take of the drunk wife.

No matter what, please be sure to be safe and drink responsibly. You might be drinking for three, but you're going to be a dad soon! Your partner is already creating a life, she doesn't need to be coddling your drunk-ass. Thanks for reading!

Time to tell the World!

So your mate (literally, haha!) and you have discovered that you're expecting. Congratulations! So now you have to tell people.  For our parents, we told them all individually (All of our parents are divorced.) 

Who we told and when was driven mostly by my wife. She wanted to tell her mom first to find out how her pregnancies went. (Both my wife and her sister were a breeze).  To make things even, we called and told my mom later that night.  You might find it difficult to tell your parents about their impending grandchild.  This is, after all, the last big milestone for you becoming an adult.  Depending on your relationship with your parents, they may not even know you were trying to get pregnant (maybe you didn't know either!)

Some things to know before you announce:

• Life is not a movie - You might be expecting the classic mom going "Ohhhh my God!" with her hands in the air and the dad giving you a wink that you're not really sure how to interpret.  You probably get this to some degree.  More likely a lot of congratulations, hugs, and handshakes.  This is not a reflection of how excited they are.  It will build, let them absorb and process the information first.  

• Be prepared for the question and answer session - Have the due date, how many weeks pregnant your spouse is, and when you know the gender dates ingrained in your skull before you tell anyone.  They will be asked of repeatedly. By the time I got to telling aunts and grandparents I just started spouting out all of that information.

•  If you can't say the words, use a picture - Have a picture of the latest sonogram on your phone and show it to the future grandparent / uncle / aunt.  They're smart enough to figure out what you want to say.

• This is big news! But don't steal someone else's thunder - Holidays are a green light, weddings are a big no no for announcing your grand news. 

• 12 weeks, wait until then - You might want to shout it from the rooftops.  And that's awesome! Be excited.  But the chance of miscarriage is pretty high before the end of the first trimester.  So hold off on the facebook announcement for the time being.  

• Pintrest is the devil - Thanks to pintrest and etsy, your wife will want some creative way to post on your favorite social media sites.  No matter how ridiculous is may be, let her do this. A happy mom makes a healthy baby. Consider making your dog sit still while a sign hangs around his neck for a picture your first big test of patience. 

The missus purchased this off etsy here.

Thanks for reading!

Why this dad-to-be is writing a parenting blog.

 While waiting at my wife's OB/GYN appointment, I decided to flip through an edition of "Parents" magazine.  And right on the cover there was a title about 14 or so Health Facts every Mom should know. [emphasis mine]  Being the naive new father to be, I actually thought it was facts that moms wouldn't know, but for some reason dads would. Things like when you pee with two streams instead of one or how even babies get erections (Looking back, I learned that one from my high school Latin teacher. Thanks, magistra!)

Alas, I was wrong. It was a collection of facts that every parent should know, regardless of gender. Looking further, the entire magazine seemed to be geared towards mom. From the language used to including beauty tips.  On the other side, there seemed to be no content for dads. 

This continued beyond the magazine. All the apps, all the books, all the sites are aimed at the female gender.

I can understand why this is.  I'm sure the magazines are bought primarily by women. But would it hurt the sales if the periodicals included articles like "The best classic westerns for dad and cowboy" or the "best manly diaper bag"?

And so I created this blog as a stepping stone.  This is to be a blog about being a dad, and being a man. From here, I hope to possibly expand this into a book, or magazine, or even a tv network.  Whether you're a married with a wife and 8 kids, a single dad who sees his kids twice a month, or in the process of adopting with your partner, you are welcome here.  (Ladies are welcome, too.)